Retro TV

So they have run out of clever episode titles by this, the 5th episode from the first season of the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Have I mentioned how lame the opening credits sequence is…I always hate it when an actress is driving and they just look ultra-alert like that’s what you look like when you are driving…

Open in on the news room, Mary’s on the phone, doing nothing as usual. What a great job, seriously, she has nothing to do, except take Mr. Grant’s abuse and make some phone calls — maybe that is all associate producers do.

A Mr. Carelli is here for Mr. Grant and after Mary does the receptionist’s job, Mr. Grant knows him and brushes him off. To make matters worse, he’s in insurance now, and Mary falls for the pity thing. And now, he coming over to talk about insurance with her. Ah, the pushy insurance salesman…classic early comedy stereotype.

Mary is doing Rhoda’s hair in the next scene, maybe that night, it’s not clear. Phyllis pops by to get the girls’ support for her pro-capital punishment raffle with the grand prize being an antique guillotine, but the girls are not interested.

How ’bout that? Frank Carelli is a day early, and he’s talking really loudly. Phyllis spills it that she and Lars are going to be frozen when they die. Awesome. Like Fry…

When Frank opens his briefcase, he “accidentally” pulls out his old football glory pictures. And why, I don’t know, maybe he’s picking up on Mary. Nope, he thinks he’ll be a great sportscaster. Maybe she can say something to Lou. Mary hedges the pressure sell, but she folds. She always does.

Cut to Mary talking to Mr. Grant about the sportscaster job, but the job is highly-sought-after, and Mr. Grant doesn’t think Frank is the guy, but he’s willing to give him an audition. Mary takes that as triumph, and returning to her desk, Frank is now under her desk. He’s too much. And because he is too much, I know he won’t get the job. He would be a terrible regular cast member. Luckily, he plays Mary his demo “diary” tape, and he is terrible.

Rhoda and Mary are having dinner, listening to the tape. And why? Mary is one of those people who thinks she can help people, no matter how sad sack they are, and the diary contains a passage when Frank gets fired. Yep, Mary is going to help that Frank. Cue the sad music. And no laughter.

And maybe it’s the next day or next week. Frank arrives with ingredients for dinner, and Rhoda thinks that Frank is after Mary. Mary poo-poo’s the idea, but Frank has no idea what the concept “personal space” means and admits that he likes bigger girls.

It’s minutes for the audition, and Murray is trying to help Frank add some jazz to his try-out sportscast. But there is no helping this guy. Another auditioner, played by real-life 3-time Pro-Bowler Timothy Brown, is a total hot shot, and an African-American, but this is pre-Affirmative Action days, so I guess that won’t make a difference. And as TV is 98% white, we know that the hotshot ain’t gettin’ the job either.

If the numbers don’t tell you how white TV was or is, Timothy Brown also played a guy named “Spearchucker” Jones on M*A*S*H in 1972.

Back at Mary’s and Frank’s depressed. Mary is trying to give him a pep talk, but Frank never made the first string, so owning a restaurant is out of the question. This guy should coach little kids.

He starts talking about Florida as a paradise, and he’s jetting off for there tomorrow. He’s crazy, and I hope he is leaving, because he’s lame. But no, he’s off with high fives and a rah-rah spirit.

Mary and Rhoda enter Mary’s apartment again. Mary gets a tape in the mail with no label or return address. No way, it’s Frank. And guess what, he’s coaching kids…well, a park director job, and he’s so happy!!

I called it.

I guess “Keep Your Guard Up” makes more sense now, but it’s still not that clever.

Mary Tyler Moore Show, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Lou Grant, Mary, Phyllis